Disappointments

I remembered sometime, not so long ago, I was so glad and happy that I qualify to continue on with my studies. Back then, I was filled with zeal and gladness that I am able to carry on with studies and not lead a life which I am not satisfied with.

Why do I want to study? Let’s face facts. Everyone wants to have better lives and not be at where they are; likewise for me too. I do not want to stagnant at where I am, being a no one in life, unable to make an impact in people’s lives or the place where I am.

However, things are not what I thought would be. Guess, I would need to throw off that idea of studying period. Fact is that, where do I find that S$20K for my studies? I tried to make a loan but was not successful. I was supposed to start my education last December 2006 but due to financial constraints, I had to delay it… However, I guess, I will not study anymore. I will accept what I am and do what I can.

I used to think that people would help (please bear in mind that I am not asking you to pity me or to give me the chance to study) after what I went through, I know it’s all talk and I will no longer trust anyone around me anymore.

Sometimes I wonder, so what if I had done what I had done? Does anyone really care? Do they care with only mere words? Or do they really do what they said they would? Is it all mere talk and nothing more? If so, I can do more talks than them. I am not saying that I want to be like them or that I am better than them but just feeling really helpless in life.

Yes, bad things happen to good people. Job is one such good example. He did not do anything bad. In fact, he feared God but he lost his entire family, only left with his wife who is a constant nag. With such wife, he’ll be better off dead. Nonetheless, God is a good God. He repaid Job with a double portion of what he had lost – double of wealth and another six Children. (I am not sure of the exact number of children he had).

I do not know what will come in time but things are not looking good after all. I cannot be bothered to ask for help anymore. Why ask when no help is given? Why cry when no one bothers? Why pray when things are not happening at all? I don’t think my prayers are going up there anyway…

I really suspect those who keeps using Bible verses, saying these:
"He who lends to the poor, lends to the Lord" and another verse from Matthew 25: 35- 46 - "35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' 37 "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' 40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' 41 "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' 44 "They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' 45 "He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' 46 "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

Yet, they are not helping at all... Craps!